February 2012
3 tags
Holy fucknuts, I’m supposed to be moving halfway across the country in like a month and a half.
“How many times have people taunted me because of a color that I had on or how...”
– Kanye West (via joshishollywood)
youth
I used to have this boyfriend who listened to a lot of Our Lady Peace. I didn’t know them when we met, so to remedy this he burned me a bunch of their CDs and gave them to me like it was a fucking leather bound volume of da Vinci’s writings, brimming with wisdom and hand written track lists in felt tipped pen that he slipped into the clear cases. And I listened, thinking (at the time)...
susan g komen defunds planned parenthood because... →
Not to toot my own horn, but I think this is important for people to know.
The Susan G Komen foundation has announced they’ll cease providing grants to Planned Parenthood, which uses the funds to provide mammograms to low income women. Komen claims that they’ve ceased funding because PP is under investigation by Congress, but the reality is the new VP of Policy is rabidly...
January 2012
via text
Mom: Do you think you could come and talk to the kids in (name of her school)?
Me: About what? About how it's not cool to wear Charlotte Hornets Starter jackets anymore?
Mom: No, about writing.
Me: So come in and say like, 'hey kids! I'm a professional jackass! Listen to what this lady tells you and you too can be paid to sit in your underwear brainstorming creative insults for social conservatives!'
Mom: Yeah! Maybe you could read a piece!
Me: I should not read a piece to the kids.
Mom: Maybe to the high school kids.
Me: I don't think it's okay to say "swollen nutsack of sadness" in a public school.
Mom: Maybe the AP kids.
Me: ...
Spent a moment pondering why I never get hit on anymore. Is it my newly perfected stink face? Is it my advancing age? My lack of a tan? Wild hair? Troubled starlet goes grocery shopping mid-emotional breakdown fashion sense?
Verdict: all of the above. Nothing frees a lady from the pressure to not look like shit like a work at home job, when your only commute is a bus ride to or from your...
I’m supposed to provide a picture to go along with my bio.
Man, I need to take a real picture that isn’t at a bar.
never not weird
Writing a bio for yourself. I’ve lost the ability to be straightforward and keep resisting the urge to start it with “Erin is a fucking Chicago bigmouth who would shut up if she knew what was good for her.”
No, not that.
“Erin is on an unending quest for the perfect pair of semi stretchy high waisted jeans. She spends her free time leaving dirty plates lying...
“if Rick Santorum WERE to have a uterus; he wouldn’t use that sanctuary for the...”
– Email from a reader.
You know what’s funny? Whenever people say “May god have mercy on your soul,” they usually don’t mean it at all. It’s just about the least sincere thing you can say to someone, because the type of small, sanctimonious nincompoop that writes that...
let's get rick santorum his own uterus →
He’s wanted one so very much for so very long. It’s his Pony for Christmas.
At the very least, consider making a small donation of a feminine hygiene product so he can prepare for the arrival of his precious organ.
periods!
My favorite is when the onslaught of Ladytime just exactly perfectly coincides with a huge amount of work that I have to get done— a 5,000 word piece due tomorrow on top of my regular work. I’m at about 4,000 words, and am concerned that I have about 11,000 worth of things to say on the topic. Analysis paralysis.
I hate giving credence to the stereotype that periods make ladies...
good news
Personal stuff:
My mom’s cancer-free now, after her post-surgery checkup.
Not out of the woods, obviously, but this is as good of news as we could be getting right now. She’s running again.
I’m just going to build a career on making fun of Katie Roiphe and Caitlin Flanagan.
Backup dream job: shooting fish that are confined to barrels.
1 tag
“On a scale of 1 to 10, I think I’m gonna throw up.”
– - A contestant for the love of Center Part Ben, right before a Rose Ceremony in week 3.
Best quote from The Bachelor ever?
Today I learned my ring size and also that the guy who runs the jewelry store just east of here is most certainly running some sort of shady business out of his store. There were tipping over plastic dolls in the window, one of whom was wearing a fake buckskin dress.
My guess? Super dangerous weapons. My plan? Befriend him and acquire glittery nunchucks.
Turn on TV to GOP debate, immediate thought: ”Fuck all y’all.”
It was a reflex.
When I was a kid we didn’t have enough money to go on vacations via aeroplane (we also were too poor to understand that it’s not called “aeroplane” anymore) and so we drove everywhere and stayed in campgrounds and Learned Things.
Despite the fact that we were un-rich, my parents were pretty devoted to the idea of my brother, sister, and I growing up with a grasp on basic...
I need to invent a word that means “the unsettled, jittery feeling that occurs after drinking too much coffee and eating too many yogurt covered almonds.” Maybe the Germans have a word for it. Or the French.
a rule of writing on the internet
The maddest letters that are the most fixated on nitpicky grammatical issues are always the ones that contain the most embarrassing spelling/grammatical mistakes.
It’s almost like the universe whispers in their ears “Don’t worry. Just send the email about grammar without proofreading.”
Here are sample complaints I’ve gotten:
“You’re hilariously...
Annual complaining about winter-- or the idea of...
That awkward moment when you realize that it’s january and that the next two months are going to be awful, awful, awful.
I knew this was coming, this is how it is every winter. But Jesus ball shrinking Christ, why didn’t I move to California when I had the chance? What’s so bad about New Mexico besides the fact that is super far from everything? What about Europe? Why not...
2 tags
“Priests, like all of us, are affected by culture. When the culture is sick,...”
– - Rick Santorum, on the Church’s sex abuse scandals being liberal hippie dippie Boston’s fault, not the Church’s.
The guy’s like the lovechild of Pats Boone and Robertson in the body of a roundly disliked high school guidance counselor.
“People keep telling kids to study what they love — but some loves are worth more...”
– -Anthony P. Carnavale, author of a study on which majors lead to the highest rates of unemployment.
The dubious winner? Architecture. Followed by the arts. Followed by the humanities.
Everything fun leads to ruin!
spoiler alert
I’m really bad at surprises— being surprised, or allowing others to be surprised.
That’s why I had to leave the room while he watches Psycho in the other room. I love that movie to pieces (pun intended) but he’s never seen it before, and I’m beside myself with inability to point out all the ways in which Hitchcock indicates that Norman and The Mother are the same...
2 tags
“I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them...”
– Rick Santorum, on why government shouldn’t provide aid to poor people. ”Black,” and “poor” are interchangeable in this case.
It’s really a shame that during this tumultuous primary season, more attention hasn’t been paid to what an irredeemable idiot...
what're you doing new year's...
The party kicked off with the door opening just as the host’s upstairs neighbors walked their rat terrier off leash down the common stairs. The host’s pit bull, who is small dog aggressive, bowling balled her way through the open door after the thing, and a few guests dashed after her. Two women’s shoes flew backward into the front door before it slammed shut. Crying commenced...
what i did over my 2011 vacation
Went to Seattle once, Minneapolis twice, and New York City three times.
Quit my job, got a new one.
Overcame fear of roller coasters.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer, magically recovered, is running again.
I emailed back and forth with Claire McCaskill.
My First Panic Attack.
Solidified plans to move.
December 2011
1 tag
groups that i discovered are surprisingly touchy...
- Kelly Clarkson fans
- rat owners
- white men who have spent time in Saudi Arabia
- people who like “The Christmas Shoes”
- dudes mad that Joe Paterno got fired
- anyone who gets called racist
- attendees of the Latvian Blonde Parade
- Titanic enthusiasts
- users of the phrase “War on Christmas”
- Charlie Sheen
“It looks like a bunch of my dad’s friends posing with a hot guy.”
– It’s easy to forget how old my male counterpart is… until I see pictures of him posing with his childhood friends.
big week
This week, I discovered that clam chowder is the only water animal based soup I can eat without feeling a little like I don’t have my sealegs afterwards.
On Tuesday, I made poblano corn chowder with shrimp that sounded awesome, but then I ate it and didn’t like it and told the two people who ate it with me that I was terribly sorry for the shitty soup I’d made and that I...
I only have a few more months here.
My uncle’s baseball team is playing in a tournament in Chicago on March 31. Do you want to get lunch? he asked over Christmas. That’s my last day in my apartment. By then I’ll be living out of a suitcase. I’ll have a one way plane ticket. ORD-LGA.
But sure, lunch sounds fine. I can’t imagine where my head will be at that...
1 tag
4 tags
“Racism, like all forms of bigotry, is what it claims to...”
– Who else but Ta’Nehisi Coates?
