these go to 11.

Home Alone house for sale for $2.4 million.

The 4,250-square-foot, 14-room home sits on a half-acre lot and features four bedrooms, 3.2 baths, a large screened-in porch with a chandelier and, of course, the staircase sledded down by Culkin in John Hughes’ 1990 film.

Even though Home Alone is, by any civilized standards, a pretty awful movie about assholes and not really about Christmas (have you notices that the set design is what makes the film “about Christmas”?  Everything in almost every shot is red and green. The entire house is decorated with a red and green color scheme.  There are constant reminders that THIS IS HAPPENING AT CHRISTMAS ERGO IT IS A CHRISTMAS FILM), it’s among my favorites of all time.  I appreciate it on a level that most other people do not understand. 

I want this house.  I want it like the Wet Bandits wanted it. I want to be inside it.

I want to buy it and hire people who look like Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci to rob it every Christmas Eve while I set up a series of sadistic booby traps.  Due to the fact that most of Kevin McAllister’s traps would, in fact, kill a human or at least give a person a pretty bad case of tetanus (Paint can to the head?  Several sustained seconds of blow torch to the cranium?  Giant rusty nail and broken Christmas ornaments to the foot? It would take more than a few seconds of comical hopping or a quick dip in a snowbank to cure if that’s what ails you), the hired extras would wear protective gear and just pantomime being hurt.

But no one cool or fun can afford a house that costs $2.4 million, not in this economy. Someone horrible will buy it and live out their lame lives and I’ll be forced to drive by slowly and imagine a manequin party on the first floor.